


Hikari Morow

by jackshortie



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:14:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27826627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackshortie/pseuds/jackshortie
Summary: Even though we have little information about Hisoka’s backstory, this is my headcanon/assumption
Relationships: Hisoka & Illumi Zoldyck, Hisoka/Machi (Hunter X Hunter)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	Hikari Morow

**Author's Note:**

> TW:  
> homophobia

"It was quite a while ago indeed, I think I was about 10 years old. My family used to own a big circus and all the family members played a role in it. It was famous throughout the entire country and every performance we would be booked completely full, hundreds of people would be stoked to see the grand family circus Morrow. Travelling everywhere with the big circus tent and two dozens caravans throughout the country was the way we lived. For generations long, we tried to make everyone smile. Every succession in getting those smiles on their faces was an achievement.

Those smiles were pure, innocent and filled with joy. But those smiles only belonged to the audios, behind the scenes it was a rough business. 

So when I was 10, my parents let me finally join the business. Of course I started out low, I received the job of working at the food stand and selling food. Together with my cousin we would sell candy and snacks for the spectators to have something to eat during the show. My cousin was 16 then and I got to be his little assistant. He'd teach me all about the different kinds of food and sometimes we would sneak some in our pockets so that we could eat them. My favourites would be the "Bungee Gum" bubble gum and chocolate from this brand called "Texture Surprise", as every different chocolate flavour would feel unique to the tongue. 

However, all the food that we had sneakily eaten could have been profit for the circus. Therefore, the candy we took was considered robbery within our strict family. When I was 12, my cousin got caught by my aunt. He and my aunt had a big fight about it, which unfortunately was when he slipped out that I had also been stealing candy. Word spreaded fast within the family and soon enough it reached my father.

I was practicing card tricks in my room when he suddenly busted open the door loudly. I turned around to see his face filled with rage. He walked up to me and slapped me in the face. That slap hurt more than it should have, especially because it wasn't that hard, but maybe it was the sheer look of disgust in his eyes combined with the despair of thinking he wouldn't do this.

"Why?" He yelled, "Why did you steal from your own family?" He took his aim to point the blame right on me with angry eyes.

"Father it was just candy-" 

"No, I don't want to hear shit from you. You've disappointed me and your mother deeply. You're happy now?!" 

Too scared to respond, I just kept quiet and stared at him. I could feel my eyes getting watery, though. I had to stay silent, just stay silent and endure it, then it will be over as fast as possible. 

There was a long silence, in my head it lasted for hours, but if I must guess, I think it was about twenty seconds. 

"Anyways, your changing positions, one day your going to replace grandmother as a magician. So start your assistance now. We don't have too high hopes for you, so you better not disappoint us even more." 

All I could bring out at that point was a simple nod and something that was supposed to present a "yes" but came out as a soft mumble. He left the room again and closed the door with a loud bang. 

My grandmother was a lot more tender and sensible that my father and mother were. She has been teaching me card tricks since very young, but now that I would become her new assistant she would teach me more tricks than just simple cards. 

I really did look up to her, she would teach me those small tricks that would surprise everyone and could be done at any moment, making one seem so unpredictable. Because of her I could simply play with the cards and move them as if they were part of my very own body. 

After a year of being trained under her it was time for my first performance.

I put on my finest outfit, a black shirt with poofy short sleeves and on it sown two red symbols: a club and spades. My grandma helped me draw a tear and a star on my face, and pushed back my black hairs back a little so they were out of my face. 

"Grandma I look like an emo clown." I said as she did the finishing touches on the tear.

"And there's nothing wrong with that." She replied. 

I couldn't help but smile at that moment. 

"You're going to do great Hika." She encouraged me as she handed me two golden earrings with at the end a little heart. I put them in my already pierced ears and gave her a signal that I was ready.

"Let's do this." I said with quite the confidence.

We got our signals to get on stage, and my grandma held my hand as she led me through the curtains on the big stage. The spotlights shone brightly in my eyes for a split second but I adjusted fairly quickly to it. Once they adjusted, I could for the first time see the crowd from this position instead of seeing the stage from the row where I would regularly be watching the shows themselves as well. All those eyes watching me made me a little shy and nervous, so I subconsciously started fiddling with the headset microphone on my ear. 

"Here's my new assistant, I present to you, my grandson, Hikari Morrow!"

My grandma gracefully introduced me as her assistant for tonight and the crowd welcomed me with an applause, making me all the more nervous. 

"Now then, let's begin the show!" She said, and the audience roared again. 

And with that we opened our act, overall it went, we surprised the audience, made them laugh, confused and lots of other emotions. Well, to be honest, it was mostly my grandma that did all the work. I was there to help her with the little things, but it was great doing it.

After the show we had a small moment to talk with the audience and I received a lot of compliments. Not having gotten much before, I didn't really know how to reply to them, so I would just nervously stare at either the floor or right in their eyes. My grandma would get me to stop zoning out by just a shoulder tap or back rub as assurement that things would be alright. God I loved her, she was kind, tender and I would have done everything for her if I could. The following six months we would perform together, and with each performance I would be a little more confident on stage and eventually I could perform one trick of my own without my grandma helping at all. It was the first time that I enjoyed and wanted to work at the circus more. 

And of course... that happiness didn't last... long.

The reason I started this role as an assistant, was to replace my grandma. I just kept on wishing that moment would never come. But it did, when I was 14, and it broke my heart.

Being at her funeral made me feel empty. I tried to draw a tear and star on my cheeks like she always did, but mother called it a disrespect towards her and forcefully wiped it off. I begged her to leave it on, but before I knew it it was already messy and a smudge.

I don't think I even spoke a single word that day, I just stared, zoning out. My mother thought I was distracted and thinking of something else, saying that it was rude. But I was thinking about how my grandma was a better parent than both of them. I couldn't even believe that such a sweet woman raised the monster that my father is. The more I thought about it, the more my sadness and mourning turned into anger. I didn't show it though, but it was definitely growing inside me. 

Not a lot later I had to stand on that stage, alone for the first time, performing, overall it went well, but it wasn't good enough for my parents. They kept repeating that I had to do better, and that I had to prove myself to be actually worthy to be a magician within this circus. Neither of them believed me when I said that I tried my utter best. I had to do better, do more. Better, better, better. 

I kept repeating that to myself, the inner voice saying, "Hikari, do better. C'mon Hikari, prove yourself. You're strong, right, Hikari?" It was driving me insane and disturbing me from performing the magic tricks. I slowly started getting a little sloppier in my magic shows and making little mistakes. For the audience it was unnoticeable, but for my parents it definitely was. They kept calling out every single little mistake as if I wasn't unaware of it. Of course I knew, I noticed my own mistakes, but having you yell at me every time it happens wasn't going to help me improve. Their statements started torturing my brain more, they needed to shut up and leave me be. Just wished they'd shut up. 

At age 16 is where it all collapsed, my entire locked up world broke free to a more cruel world. With a lot of threats and slaps, I got a little back into shape and learned how to put on a big smile for the audience without actually smiling. I dyed my hair red as a start of a new era, and the crowds started loving me. My magic tricks were special and unique to them, like never seen before. I toyed not only with my cards but also with the entire audience by manipulating and deceiving them, just like my parents did. 

Except for one person in the audience, and I noticed him clearly too. His expression didn't change once during the entire show, he just watched with dark, emotionless eyes. As weird as it was, it definitely caught my attention. After the show I tried to find him at the exit, but I couldn't find him as the crowd kept complimenting me. Soon enough everyone had left, and I hadn't found the boy with the dark eyes. I gave up and decided to go home, until I suddenly heard a low voice.

"Looking for me?" It was so emotionless, it was hard to believe that it wasn't some robot speaking. I turned around to see a boy, who couldn't be much younger than me, with short black hair and bangs. 

"Maybe, how'd you know?" I asked him carefully.

"I could notice you staring. I figured you wanted to speak with me." His way of saying these sentences were so on one tempo it felt so unnatural, almost the complete opposite of me. 

"I assume you're right. I'm Hikari." I stretched out my hand for him to shake it.

He didn't respond and also didn't shake it back.

Awkwardly I retreated my hand, not knowing what to say. I had to admit, even back then I thought he was really pretty.

"So... what brings you to the Morrow circus?" I asked, hoping to start up a conversation. 

"I was seeing if I could amuse myself here." He replied.

"And... did you?" 

"I assume so, although a lot of your so-called magic tricks were easy to figure out." When the black haired boy said that, I did feel sort of offended, although I couldn't be mad at him somehow, "That one trick where you used that coin to deceive one of the audience members, my butlers know too." He added.

"Oh really? How interesting." I was genuinely invested where talking more would lead me too, "Maybe come see my show again and who knows, I could pick you out of the crowd and toy with your mind." I gave him a smirk, seeing it more as a challenge than an invitation. 

"Alright. See you tomorrow then." He said before turning around and walking away.

"Wait!" I grabbed his wrist before he got out of my reach, "I want to know your name." I said, sincerely hoping he'd answer.

"Illumi." He answered and I could satisfactorily let go of his wrist and watch him walk out of my sight. 

The next morning I was fully prepared to put on one of the best shows in awhile in hope to impress Illumi. I'd wanted to change that emotionless expression into amazement. I pushed back my red hair a little and drew on the routined star and tear. 

A small speech in my mirror to give myself at least enough confidence to pull through the plan that I had today. 

I got on stage and immediately started searching. Once I spotted him in the crowd, I gathered my confidence. It was surprising for me that he even came in the first place. 

I did everything I could to deliver the best and flawless tricks. The audience was going wild yet Illumi didn't show any emotions. Inside me there was growing some desperation. How could this boy show no emotions? Was he just really good at hiding his feelings, or was he just hard to amuse? 

At the end of my act I realised that magic tricks wasn't going to be sufficient to bring an expression to his face. With disappointment in myself I got off stage and the next act would begin. 

Backstage I took off my headset mic and sighed deeply while looking at myself in the mirror. At this point it had become my mission to change that empty expression into something. 

Once again I searched for him after the show, and yet again he was waiting for me as well. 

"You're a tough one, aren't you?" I said and leaned against the wall he was standing close to.

"Yes, although I must admit that this show was a bit better than yesterday, but it wasn't enough to amaze me." He said while walking up to me a little closer.

"Oh really, well fortunately for you I'm not done with my show yet." I fidgeted with the cards in my hands. 

"What is that supposed to mean?" Illumi said confused.

"It means... that you're getting a private show, but we need to go somewhere more quiet, otherwise the trick won't work." I explained, pointing out the crowd that was exiting the circus tent. 

"Where would you like to go, then?" He said, looking around for options.

"The woods will do." I said and walked away towards the woods, in hope he would follow me. He did luckily, and in five minutes we were standing both in the woods, quite near the edge, and you could still see the circus tent lights between the trees.

"So what is your best trick?" Illumi wondered as I nervously started fidgeting with my cards more heavily.

"C'mon Hikari," I mumbled to myself, "you can do this."

I took two deep breaths. 

"This is the trick." I said and took two steps closer and kissed him on the lips, it was long, but not as deep and passionate. I closed my eyes, also out of fear to see his face. I expected to be pushed away, I expected him to give any response of rejection.

But somehow... he didn't? 

I broke the kiss again and opened my eyes to see him open his eyes slowly as well. 

"That was a good sign, right? People close their eyes when they kiss?? Right??" I thought to myself as it slowly turned into a panicking state. Deep down I was proud of myself that I had the balls to kiss him. 

"Did it amaze you?" I said with a small smirk, trying to keep my cool.

It was very small, and if I wasn't so focused on his face I don't think I would've noticed it, but it was definitely there. The side of his mouth curled up a little bit. "I assume so." 

And that was the first time I saw Illumi smile, or at least, if you could really call it a smile, but for me it meant the world.

There was an awkward silence between us. Or at least, for me. It seemed like Illumi wouldn't speak unless it was necessary. 

"I should probably... get back." I said to break the silence.

"I should too. I still have a job to finish." Illumi's small smile turned back to his normal expression, but somehow it seemed... sadder.

"What's your job?" I asked, but his eyes turned sharper and he left fast without a word. 

Scared I offended him, I wanted to see him again to apologise. Father told me I shouldn't nose into others people's business and sometimes I should just shut up, but with this boy, I couldn't help but get curiouser by his mysterious ways of doing everything. 

Standing alone in the forest, I waited for a few moments until Illumi was completely out of my sight. After that I went back to the circus itself. 

Before getting back to my room, I ran into mother. Before I could escape her, she grabbed me by the shoulder and held me back.

"Where were you just know?" She said with fierce eyes.

"Ehm... I was just talking with the guests after the show." I made up that lie, hoping it would be enough.

"I didn't see you then. I wanted to say your show was different tonight. Do you know why?" 

"She really noticed everything, huh? It's getting annoying." I thought to myself before shrugging in the hope it will do.

"Okay." She said and let go of my shoulder. I quickly went to my room and stood in front of the mirror for a while. I smiled widely and pushed my hair back.

"Oh my god." I said with a chuckle. I thought back to the moment our lips touched and I immediately started blushing and laugh a little, I just couldn't help myself. Those happy thoughts would soon enough pushed down by my stressful and worrying thoughts. I thought about that I might have offended him asking for his job. Or that he didn't like the kiss at all? The worst thought was probably of my parents finding out. It scared me, so much. I was afraid of hurting them, or even worse, them hurting Illumi. 

It was weird that all these thoughts were going through my head, because after all I've only met him two days ago. Was he messing with my mind? Yes, maybe he was, in some ways. But I didn't mind. 

Unfortunately, he wasn't at the show that was tomorrow, I waited for him after the show, hoping I had just missed him in the audience, but there was no one. He wasn't at the show the next day, and neither at the next day.

After two months I had given up waiting for him after every show as the guest were leaving the tent. My parents soon announced that we would be again moving and changing locations. We were going to the so-called Dentora Region, a place in the Republic of Padokea. I didn't know much about it, but apparently it had some big mountain that was really famous. 

They also explained that we would get about a week of a break there, so we could explore it. I hadn't had a vacation in so long, but I didn't mind going out once in a while.

Once we arrived there, I put on a few shows for about two weeks, and then I got my one week break. I was allowed to leave the circus area and go everywhere where I wanted, as long as I was home at six pm and told no one that I was part of the Morrow's to prevent me damaging the name by simply doing anything. 

To be honest, I was surprised my parents would let me go that easily, but of course, I wasn't complaining. 

I went to the nearest village and kind of sniffled through the shops. It was pretty fun, but just walking around bored me pretty much. I looked for something tourists could do around here and quickly got recommended visiting the famous Kukuroo mountain. My first thought was, why not? I got on the bus and stared outside the window for about thirty minutes before reaching the foot of the mountain. The tour guide explained that it was the home of the famous Zoldyck family, a family filled with the best assassins of the entire world. Every child would be trained to follow in their footsteps. Thinking about it, their family kind of reminded me of mine. I lowkey felt bad for the children, as they had no choice but to become something that they maybe didn't even want. 

After about fifteen minutes of her talking about the mountain and the family, even though little was known, we went back into the bus and would go back to where we started. I sat down again was ready to stare out the window again. The bus started moving and suddenly I heard a familiar voice behind me.

"Hey."

I jumped a little in the air, and turned around quickly to see that in the row behind me sat a familiar face.

"Illumi?! What are you-" I responded but he interrupted me.

"Why are you here?" He looked a little... mad.

"I'm performing a little further down south. Wait... are you telling me you live-"

"Don't say a word." He shushed me by placing his finger on my lips. A little worried, I kept quiet.

"Hikari, you need to leave."

Why was he being so forceful? 

"Illumi? What's going on?" I grabbed his wrist and pulled his finger away from my mouth as I sat on my knees to look over the chair behind me more easily.

"I cannot explain. But, whatever happens, do not come back to the Kukuroo mountain." 

I was quiet for a second before making up my mind.

"Okay, but will I at least be able to see you again? I want to hang out with you." I slowly let go of his wrist. 

"I will come for you in two days, until then, don't say anything to anyone about me." He said, and I nodded.

"Wasn't going to." I said, deep down wishing I was kidding, "So where do I need to go?" 

"I will find you." He said, and soon enough he got out of the bus at the next stop.

The thought of seeing him again, brought a smile to my face. 

In those two days, I simply waited by practicing more tricks, in the hope to amaze him once more.

The nights were spent thinking about how he was going to find me if he didn't know where I would be at the time he would arrive. I could definitely not be anywhere near the circus, let alone my parents. There was no other option than to go into the village, in hope he could find me anyways.

As expected, when I was checking out some makeup in a store, I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder. 

"You found me." I said with a smile.

"I said so, didn't I?" He replied. 

I nodded, "I was just checking out this new eyeliner." I showed him the liquid eyeliner in my hand. He took it from my hands and looked up to it closer. "Now that I think about it, eyeliner might suit you too." I added.

He walked away from me with the eyeliner in his hands. I didn't know where he was going, but noticed soon enough he was walking towards the cashier. 

Within a few moments he had paid for the eyeliner and gave it to me.

"Put it on my eyes." He demanded.

I chuckled a little, "Alright. Let's go then." 

We walked to a near terras where we could sit together. I uncapped the eyeliner and told him to close his eyes. He was sitting perfectly still, it was almost like a talent. I drew a thick line of eyeliner on his lid and eventually made a sharp upwards wing to finish it off. 

"I was right. It does suit you." 

We were interrupted by the waiter asking if we wanted a drink. Although I said no, Illumi ordered a strawberry smoothie. He didn't seem the type to want a strawberry smoothie, but I didn't question.

"Hey Illumi, what happened in the bus? What was that about?" I couldn't help but ask.

"I cannot tell you. That's all." 

"Okay... I respect that." I hoped he'd tell me one day, but I didn't want to be pushy. 

The waiter arrived with Illumi's smoothie and handed it to him, but he shoved it towards me.

"It's for you." He stared into my eyes, hoping I would accept it.

I smiled, "I can't accept this." He also bought the eyeliner already, I can't let him pay for everything. However, when I said that, he looked down a little, as if he was sad.

"Okay maybe I can." I couldn't resist his face turning a little somber so I quickly took a sip out of the straw, "How did you know I liked strawberries?" It was my favourite flavour.

"You dropped this." He took a wrapping paper out of his pocket. It was a Bungee Gum wrapping paper with strawberry bubblegum flavour. 

I smiled. "That's mine for sure, yeah." 

I know that I said that I stopped working at the stand, but that didn't mean I still didn't steal regularly at the stand, I just got better at it and I didn't tell anyone. But the wrapping that Illumi was holding proved that I could still get a lot better at it. 

We talked a little about our interests, and I learned a lot about Illumi, despite him being a man of little words.

Apparently he just got a second little sibling, a white haired little brother. He wanted to grow his hair out and get rid of his bangs. Imagining him with long hair did look kinda cool. 

Little by little I learned some small facts about him. He didn't have much going for hobbies, except for the fact that he would like to learn how to sew his own clothing one day. 

Our talk got interrupted by my worst nightmare; my parents.

They walked onto the terras and stopped right in front of our table. My eyes widened as I recognized my mother's voice while I sipped on my strawberry smoothie. 

"Hikari? Who is this?" My mother asked. 

"T-this is Illumi." I said, scared. 

"Hello." Illumi spoke, but right now I wish he was quiet. 

"What's Hikari's full name, Illumi?" My father started interrogating.

I was praying to myself that he wouldn't answer and could think through. Unfortunately, Illumi wasn't the best at reading people.

"Hikari Morrow." He said.

"Why does he know-" Father got closer to me and I quickly got up. "Father we met a few months ago already. He met me through the circus." I tried to calm him down. 

"He?" Mother said confused. 

"He?" My father repeated.

I started swearing inside my mind heavily. 

"You're on a date with a guy?!" His face got a little redder.

This is what I feared so much. Fuck.

"Father please." My voice started breaking a little. 

"No, I won't fucking accept it." He got mad and kicked over the strawberry smoothie off the table on the floor. I knew he was like this. He's regularly make remarks that clearly showed that he was against it, so I should've seen it coming.

"Babe, we're in public. Let's discuss this at home." Mother reminded him, as she pointed out that people started staring. 

"Well, I don't expect to see him home again." He said as he gritted his teeth.

"Father don't say that-" I really hoped I was misunderstanding his words.

"No. Don't come home. You're not welcome anymore. Stay away from the Morrow circus and stay away from me."

"Dad please?! Can we talk about this?!" My voice broke and I felt my eyes getting watery. 

"You want to talk?! Then answer me this; Why? Why would you do this?" He yelled loudly as he slammed his fist on the table.

"I never wanted to hurt you. Please." I begged him.

"If you really didn't want to hurt me, then you shouldn't damage the Morrow name so easily. You have two options: Come home and never do this to us again, or stay here and say goodbye to the Morrow circus."

"Dad it's not that easy, I can't just hide what I feel." I looked down but didn't follow him as he walked away and my mother followed. I collapsed to my knees and covered my face with my hands. I started tearing up. 

I might just have lost my home, and I had no place to go for now. Illumi offered to rent a hotelroom for me until I could let my father calm down and maybe beg him to take me back in again for now. Part of me really wanted to come home, to talk it out and I wanted him to love me again. The other part of me wanted to strangle him to death and live free for once. It was a nasty thought, so I pushed it to the back of my mind and oppressed it.

That proved that I really had to calm down. After Illumi made sure that he could afford it I took his offer on lending him money so I could rent myself a hotelroom. We decided that we'd meet up in two days, so I could have the entire day tomorrow for myself and think about it. I said goodbye to Illumi as he went to his own home and I opened the hotelroom door. It was a small room, but it was more comfortable than my own caravan back at the circus. I sat down on at the desk and grabbed the a piece of paper from the drawer that had a little pile of paper and started writing out my feelings first.

I sort of lied to myself by saying that my father was probably just in the heat of the moment and that he didn't mean it, but there was no point in hoping, right? Writing out all my feelings really helped, and not just about what happened today, but over the entire past months.

Those thoughts were followed by ideas and plans how to solve it. I felt somehow proud of myself that I was strong enough to stay calm and try to find a solution. Once i had finished writing down everything, I could see the sun rising already. Surprised by the fact that I had pulled an all-nighter, I dropped myself on the bed and fell asleep within minutes.

A few hours later, I heard a knock on my door. I opened the door to see Illumi standing there. 

"Illumi? What's going on? I thought we weren't going to meet till tomorrow?" I said in a sleepy voice. 

He wanted to say something, but it didn't come out. He just stared, as if he was fighting in his own mind.

"Illumi, just come in." I let him in and closed the door. "What's up?" 

"I'm here for a job." He said. 

"Oh okay, can I help in any way?" I offered.

"No. I'm an assassin. I'm a Zoldyck." He said it so calm, making it almost seem unbelievable.

Then it suddenly hit me why the name Zoldyck seemed so familiar. I put my hand in front of my mouth and swallowed deeply. If he was saying the truth, then that means-

"W-who?" I said.

"You." He said.

"My parents, right?" I asked for confirmation. 

He nodded.

"Fuck." I mumbled. I knew my parents would be mad, but to actually send someone after me to kill me. They're fucking insane. I couldn't believe it, I refused to believe it.

"You're lying." I said to him. "You're lying! There's no way you can just say t-these things so easily?!" I grabbed him by the collar.

"Tell me your lying!!" I shook him heavily, but he remained calm as ever.

"I'm not. I wish I was." 

"YOU'RE LYING!" I yelled at him. My head started hurting. "Please." I once again collapsed to my knees. 

"Hikari. What do you want me to do? I am willing to refuse the job."

"Isn't your family strict?" I said through my tears. 

"The only way to escape a clients request is the client to be killed by someone else." He said.

No. Why were we going so fast? I can't even process this. Please stop the time, I don't want to think anymore. 

"You're telling me to kill my parents?" I was so confused. 

But he nodded, and the nod was so forceful. Why was I even considering this? I didn't even want this? There's a voice screaming in the back of my mind to do it, but the rest of my body is saying no. It's like I've lost control, like I'm being manipulated.

"Illumi. What do you think I should do?" 

"Unfortunately, I do not have a choice in this. It is your life or theirs." He said it so calm. How could he be so calm and focused. 

"How long do I have?" I asked, knowing he'd probably have a time limit or something.

"I have to kill you before 12 tonight, so we got 8 hours left." He pointed at the clock that said 4 pm. 

The voice kept whispering to me that I should pick my own life over my parents, I knew all too well that Illumi's life also was on the line if he didn't kill me. It kept whispering, it was getting louder. 

"Could you shut up?!" I yelled.

"I wasn't saying anything, Hikari."

"No Illumi, not you, I meant the voice in my head." I assured him. 

There was a long silence, I was thinking. God I had so much more to think about now.

I think there was about a two hour silence. Illumi kept quiet as well, but he was good at it. After two hours of this little voice eating at my brain I've made up my mind. Call me crazy, but I want this. 

"Illumi, how would I kill my parents?" I said, quite confident.

"Well, there are many ways, but since you aren't very... experienced, I assume you will have to pick the easier ways."

"What's the easy way?" I was almost too scared to ask.

"Toaster in bathtub, a big fire or explosions or making someone fall to their death. I would say 'be creative' and advice you not to pick something that would take a lot of willpower or force like stabbing or shooting someone, since your doubts are obviously there. Dropping a toaster is something that is hard to turn back once you slipped it from your hands." He said it so calmly, and I knew he was a professional but it still felt old. No one our age should be thinking about these things or even know about them.

"I could burn down the circus tent? That thing will probably burn easily? Then I could bring a respiratory mask myself and escape."

"Hikari... wouldn't that kill everyone in the tent too, including the spectators?" Illumi said with a concerned tone. 

I dropped myself on the bed and stared at the ceiling. "I'm mad Illumi, like seriously mad. And well... my grandma always told me, "Don't do anything half-assed. Always go out with a bang." So that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to burn the circus down and everyone in it. That way, I can leave everything behind and start over as me." 

After I said those words, the little voices in the back of my mind disappeared and it was quiet again. It was as if my decision was so clear that I wouldn't need something to control me anymore. I had control over myself.

"If that's what you want, Hikari. I could get you a respiratory mask and maybe some other materials, but the rest will be up to you. So you must think about how you want to start the fire." 

"I have a few ideas." With that I said goodbye to Illumi, as we decided to meet up at again at seven pm in front of the circus entrance, five hours before the deadline. 

I gave him the order to bring me the mask and a ton of gasoline, along with some other stuff. I sneaked onto the premises of the circus and started searching for my cousin, since I knew he would help me. He switched from working at the stands to coordinating the order of the acts and making sure everyone is at their positions at the designated times. 

Once I found him, I shushed him with my finger before he could say anything and i gave him a signal asking if he could come with me to a safer place. We sneaked to the back of one of the caravans.

"Hikari? I thought you ran away?" He said once we got back.

"I did, and I will be running away, but I'm going to ask you for a favour. Can I please get one more act tonight?" I asked him.

"I mean I can try but isn't that super dangerous? If you're parents-"

"I know. But I have to do this. So please." I begged him. 

He sighed deeply and then nodded. Fine. 

"Thanks." I smiled to him before running off again. Soon enough it was seven pm and the sun was dawning as Illumi was waiting for me at the entrance with a dozen jerrycans and a bag.

He took out one respiratory mask and handed the bag and jerry cans to me. "Thanks Illumi. Are you going to watch the show?" 

"Of course, I wouldn't want to miss it for the world." He waved with the mask he just took out of the bag.

"See you in an hour then." I said with a smile. The show would start in about thirty minutes, but my act wouldn't start until eight pm. 

Illumi walked up to me, pushed my red hairs backwards and gave a small forehead kiss. "Good luck." He walked away again.

Flustered by his actions, I quickly opened the jerry cans and started throwing the gasoline on the edges of the tent. I walked around the entire circle, so that if I'd lit it up, the whole tent would be easily burning. After emptying the jerry can, I quickly grabbed my mask and ran to the backstage. I should be up any moment.

And as expected, my cousin had my back and was talking to the act that was supposed to perform on my place. "C'mon Hikari, it's your turn." He whispered as he signed my to get closer to the stage.

"Make your last show unforgettable." He said, while adjusting my headset and before letting me get up stage.

"I will. I'll definitely will." I said and got up on stage. The first reaction of the crowd was confused, and I could hear the whispers. The news about my sudden quit had apparently spread like wildfire.

"Ladies and gentlemen! You all know me as Hikari Morrow. The youngest magician of the Morrow circus. Looking at your faces, you all seem surprised. Some of you are aware that I had left the circus. Which... yes, you are correct. I did leave, but I returned for the grand finale. However, tonight I will not be perfoming as Hikari. Hikari means light, and light is good, right? But if this is what it means to be good, then I don't want to be light. Because being good isn't what I love. It isn't what is me. I see myself as a passionate person, a loving person. Therefore, with this show I would like to be called... Hisoka." I was very dramatic, and I could definitely notice the confused whispers among the crowd. But that's okay, it's not like they needed to understand anyways. "And tonight, I will be performing my greatest trick yet. My dear cousin, could you hand me that bag standing next to you?" I pointed to backstage at the black bag and my cousin handed it to me without hesitation, not even checking whats inside. I pulled out the last remaining jerry can and opened it. I poured a long line that went from the middle of the stage to backstage to the end of the tent, so that it was connected with the big circle i made before outside. Once it was empty, I walked back onto the stage and retrieved the respiratory mask and a pack of lucifers. 

In the corner of my eye I could see Illumi putting on his mask as well. This way I knew that he would be safe as well. He was sitting as high up the tribunes as possible. Once the fire would break out, he would cut open a whole with his needles to create an escape route for himself but also for me. 

"And now then, my dear friends." I lit a match and held it above the gasoline. People we'er starting to get genuinely concerned about what I was doing. I could see the fear in their eyes, and god that fear was such a beautiful thing to see. 

"Hikari stop!" I suddenly heard a voice behind me. I saw my dad walk towards me, getting on stage.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, filled with rage.

"Why, hello father. Nice to see you here." I said with a smile.

"Hikari, why are you here?" He asked again. At this point he was standing in front of me, right with me on stage.

"It's Hisoka now, dad." I kept smiling, not breaking eye contact with him. "And dad is about to be... dead." I said and dropped the match into the gasoline. "Burn in hell, you nasty motherfucker." I whispered before pushing him into the puddle of gasoline. 

As expected, as soon as the match hit the gasoline, the small flame that was on the match burst out into almost an explosion of fire and travelled rapidly in the trail of gasoline that I had created. It ran backstage and soon enough it reached the circus tent wall and lit it on fire. I heard panicked screams from the crowd and also from backstages as the circus tent started to burn. Little did they know yet that the fire was also travelling around the entire tent, that the trail of gasoline I made just now wasn't the only thing. 

However, the thing that caught the most attention was my father's leg being on fire. He desperately tried to put out the fire, but his attempts were worthless. He screamed out because of his pain. No one was helping, as they all were busy trying to put the fire that was shaping itself backstage. As that fire grew, the tent also finally started burning around the edges as well, people started screaming and the chaos gradually unfolded. 

I put on the respiratory mask as well now as I watched my father scream in agony. I couldn't help but smile a little, to be honest. "Well father, it was nice knowing you." I said to him before running off stage. I ran up the tribunes and as planned there was a hole carved out at the top of the tent where Illumi had escaped too and where I could escape out of too. With all the courage that I had, I jumped out of the hole and fell down on the grass, the fires were quite high outside already as well, but with a quick roll in the grass I had put out the little fires on my clothes. Illumi was waiting for me outside as he was leaning against a car.

"Is that your car?" I said with amazement.

"Yes. Now get in." He said as he opened the door for me to get in. I got in as he got behind the wheel and with a hard push on the gas pedal we drove off the area and got on the highway as fast as possible. I looked through the mirrors to see the tent slowly burning down. At this point the fire had reached the frames that held the tent together, so the tent collapsed and started burning harder. 

In the mean time Illumi had grabbed his phone and made a call.

"Hello father. Yes the clients have both passed away. Understood." He said and hung up again.

"And?" I asked hopefully.

"Assassination is cancelled, you get to live." Illumi said.

"Yes!" I yelled out of excitement. "Holy shit." I stared out of the window at the collapsing tent. "Fire is quite beautiful, isn't it?" The suddenly poetic thoughts occurred in my head."

"Wait wait wait, Hisoka. I'm going to stop your story right here." She said.

Hisoka turned to her and got out of his story telling trance as she was doing her finishing touches on connecting my arm back again. 

"What is it, Machi?" He said with a smile.

"Hisoka, think about it. Don't you think Illumi manipulated you? It sounds a little irrational to just... kill your parents, you know? And besides, there was never any evidence that Illumi actually had a job in killing you." She said as she bit the wire through. 

"I already know that he manipulated me, I've known for years." Hisoka said with a chuckle. 

"Then why are you still with him, aren't you mad?" She questioned.

"Well yes, but look where his manipulation got me. I am a hunter now, I can be me and I am so free as I could be. Without him, I've never met you." The last sentence he said a bit flirtatious. 

Machi rolled her eyes. "You're disgusting. Go back to your Sold dick boyfriend and flirt with him." 

"Can I continue the story?" He asked, excited to tell the final part.

"I don't fucking care." Machi said.

"So anyways, after that, we drove off and he bought me a small apartment where I could live. Living at his place would be too dangerous. We'd regular meet up and he taught me about nen a little. When he explained he was a manipulator, I did figure it out. 

"Illumi, be honest with me. Did you manipulate me?" I said, fidgeting my fingers nervously.

"To some extent, yes. But it was really you who let go of the match and lit it all on fire." 

"To what extent?" I asked, but all I got back was silence.

"Illumi. Till what extent?!" 

"I stopped after you decided that you were going to do it, so you really did everything by yourself." 

I sighed. "And the assassination, was that a lie?" 

"Yes." He almost said it with a little guilt. 

"Fuck." I said with a sigh. "What was your reasoning?"

"Hisoka," He got closer to me, I was a little worried, not knowing what he would do next, "You were filled with potential... and look where it got you. I hope you aren't mad?" 

"It hurts, though. But you're right, I am in a better place, maybe this future was always stuck within me and I just never realised. However, you have to promise me a few things to not make me mad." I came to peace since the life I had now and I wouldn't want to risk losing it. "Promise you will never, ever manipulate me again, unless I said so. If you want something from me just ask, you know I care about you. In addition, promise to never leave each other's side, until we die." 

"If I'm correct, is that not the same as an engagement?" Illumi interrupted.

"You mean a vow?" I was a little confused.

"More like a prenup, I assume." 

"You're suggesting we should get engaged and get a prenup?" I said before laughing a little.

"Yes, what's so funny?" Illumi was as serious as ever.

"Oh shit, you're serious?" I said surprisingly 

"Why wouldn't I be serious, Hisoka?" He was oblivious. 

"We're a bit young to be engaged, how about in a few years, when we're older?" I suggested.

He nodded in agreement, and even though I was saying it jokingly, who knew that we would get engaged more than ten years later.

"Anyways, will you promise that for now?" I wanted him to stop avoiding the promise.

"I understand. Hisoka, I promise." He said.

I stretched out my hand in a fist and stick out my pinky. 

"Pinky promise." I demanded.

He copied my hand pose and I shook his pinky. 

"So what do you want to do next?" Illumi asked.

"I don't know, explore the world, see what we come across?" I didn't really know what was next, we were still so young. Only 16 and yet so many options. 

"Let's do that indeed." 

As we travelled around, my interest in powerful people grow, the more power once had, the more free they were. That freedom was admirable, I wanted to break that freedom, that power that people had. Unfortunately, I was too weak myself, I knew I had to be taught by the powerful to be able to fight them. So that brought us, when I was around 25, to the Phantom Troupe, where I defeated number 4, Omokage. 

And that, my dear Machi, is how I met you."

"You're finally done? Damn you can talk much, you know I really didn't need to know all that. Well... I'm heading back now." She grabbed her bag after cleaning up the materials.

"Already?" Hisoka said surprisingly.

"Yeah, why stick around after the job is done? There's only so much nen stitches can do, so try not to overdo it until your arm is firmly attached." She walked to the door but stopped and turned around before opening it. "Oh right, I came here for a reason. The message has been changed. All Troupe members should be in York New by noon, august 30th. So not just those who have nothing better to do."

"Will the boss be coming?" Hisoka said in a thoughtful way.

"Probably... this could turn out to be the biggest mission yet. So know if you blow it off, the boss might hunt you down himself." She added and opened the door.

"Now that is scary... oh by the way, care to join me for dinner tonight-" but before Hisoka could finish his sentence, Machi had already closed the door behind him.


End file.
